Mix It Up L.A.

Why Long Distance Should be Kept at a Distance Posted on April 7, 2011 by guest blogger Amy Wolff Hi. My name is Amy and I am a pathological long-distance dater. Well, I used to be, anyway. I can’t explain how it happened, but ever since my first boyfriend- good old Jimmy Johnson- I’ve never managed to date someone within my zip code for longer than 4 months. It has been almost 10 years since Jimmy and I parted ways, but I have continued to find myself in relationships that require Skype dates, text messages, and a minimum balance in my savings account. And I’m over it. It all started with a fun little Facebook update from Kim over at Mix It Up LA. I don’t remember the exact wording, but they posted something along the lines of, “Thinking about long distance? We discourage it. It’s fun to flirt and get attention, but don’t put the pressure on something to exist that won’t have room to grow.” I was in yet another one of my long distance romances. At first, I brushed it off, but after another dramatic break-up and a self-imposed soul-searching, I realized that Kim and Luis were right. Before you read on, let me tell you that I don’t want to berate all of you couples out there who are in it to win it. Love is awesome and is worth fighting for. BUT, I want to offer a little 3-question quiz of sorts to all of you are thinking about entering into the long distance relationship space – one that I wish I would have taken the time to consider over the years. 1. What’s the rush? Seriously. Why is it urgent that you be with that person NOW? Why do you feel the need to tie yourself to someone who doesn’t share your daily patterns and life? S/he won’t be able to just come over and hang out, they won’t be able to run to get coffee with you, you won’t see them with their friends. Why is it urgent? Or should the question be, what are you afraid of losing? Wait- stop right there and REALLY answer those questions. What happens if you wait? For me, I was worried that I would lose the excitement of being with someone – being connected with someone. But really, all I was losing was the security of knowing that person would be there to compliment me. See the next question. 2. Do you think that you’re worth it? Even without the guy? I can distinctly remember 3 different relationships with guys (yes, Jimmy was one of them) where I felt this urgency to secure a status of girlfriend. I really liked that a guy paid attention to me- and that he thought I was beautiful. For me, not solidifying that relationship meant losing that affirmation from that guy. And that meant that I would be back to wondering if I was actually worth the attention- which was the source of my problem. It is ok to enjoy attention. It’s normal and lovely to enjoy attention from a man- especially when he’s one you’re attracted to, but be really honest with yourself – are you eager to lock this relationship down because you enjoy being cared for? If so, give yourself a month before you take the plunge. 3. Do you like long distance relationships because you get the best of both worlds? I am a pretty independent gal. I enjoy my schedule, my plans…me, me, me. So part of the appeal of a long distance relationship for me was that I didn’t actually have to DO any of the relationship stuff. Sure, I can send really cute gifts, thoughtful cards, and photos, but I don’t have to deal with him when he’s angry. He doesn’t have to deal with me when I’m moody. We don’t have to deal with each other when we’ve been arguing and have a social function. Translation- if I’m not willing to actually be in a relationship…then I really shouldn’t be in one – long distance or not. This usually means that I’m not 100% sure about what I want quite yet. And that’s ok! Some of us need a little time to discover what it is that attracts us to a man. I’m still discovering that – and what better way to do that than through forming solid friendships with the men around you while you do what you love. Mix It Up LA says it well – put yourself in the position to meet new people while doing the things you love, be open to others while going about your day (put the phone away!) and take the time to discover what it is that you want in a partner and in a relationship. Do yourself a HUGE favor and keep long distance where it naturally belongs…at a distance. Amy is a young professional working in non-profit marketing and program development. She loves a good concert, baseball game, or lazy Sunday stroll and writes consistently at www.amycarolwolff.com.		The secret to creating and keeping love Last week's article 3 Huge Reasons I'd Rather Be With My Working-Class Boyfriend Than a Rich Guy rang so true that I wish... Click here to read more The big debate: Is love supposed to be easy? Or hard? 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